dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His nipple licking is glorious
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