My hand turned me down
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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