I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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