there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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