stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
