One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
