i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he fucked my hip out of place.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
