New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
