I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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