I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Are we still banned from the library?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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