saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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