Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
