i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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