I want you more than these girls want KFC
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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