I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have fence marks all over my body
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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