I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
