college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
