i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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