Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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