Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
