I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
