I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
