my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
