we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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