I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
