two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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