we're chasing vodka with high fives
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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