last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh god the rape fog is back!
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
