Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
