new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
