I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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