Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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