Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
