Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
