I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
