I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
