I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
