I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
