Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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