i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
