to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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