I'm gonna have a badass scar
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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