You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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