I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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