one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
