I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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