I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
