wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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