Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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