Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
