I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
