Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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