I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You ruined the universe
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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