Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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